Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Some deep thinking....

So, anyone that knows me knows that I have quite a generation gap between kids. My oldest is 23 & my youngest is just shy of 5 years old. Lately, I've struggled with the differences in phases & it's really hard to not somehow feel a little misplaced. I'm needed, I'm not needed, I don't know anything, I'm the smartest person in the world, we're close, we're not.... I'm confused! I admit, watching my 2 older boys move on to independent living was hard but not for the obvious reasons. Somewhere along the way I missed that part in the manual that says as time goes on, they go out of their way to show you in every way possible that they have not only severed the cord but chopped it up into little pieces, run over it multiple times & then blown it up! In many ways my 20-something year olds & my 10 year old daughter are on the same developmental page! I'm a complete moron & know absolutely nothing! They are moving heaven and hell to show me that they are independent and that my "mom" services are no longer needed. I expect this from Kaydee (my 10 year old)... it's in the book... really!!! Been there, done that, expected it & am once again wearing the t-shirt (though i admit, after this many years since i last wore it, it's a little snug). What shocks the hell out of me is that I'm apparently re-visiting this again with my oldest kids! Really???? WTH??? I have always been blessed that through every stinking phase, one thing always remained....communication. For some reason, that seems to be dwindling though. I just seem to roll with the punches these days and quite frankly, I'm not liking it! Not a bit! I've never been the average Mom & I have done the best job that I thought could be done. I have very few regrets which is a blessing in itself. I guess that's why some days this all seems so un-justifiably hurtful..... well beyond detachment. For Kaydee, it's a given & I can deal... it will change when we progress to the next phase but at what age do the phases stop? Seriously, I want to know! *crickets chirping* That's what i thought.... there is never an end. We all continue to evolve into who we are meant to be and striving to become. This shouldn't deliberately exclude your Mom though.... if you have a great relationship with her.... right? Am i delusional? What am i missing? I'm obviously missing pages from my elusive parent manual.... is anyone willing to loan me a copy..... before I lose my mind.... please??? UGH! For now I suppose that i should just take comfort in the fact that to at least 3 out of my 6 kids I've still hung the moon. I guess it's true that you can't make all of the people happy all of the time. *sigh* Hopefully the next post will be a happier one. Until then...CIAO! : /

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